How can someone so close to you...not get it?
Today was my visit with the new ob/gyn and it went fairly well. I am just gonna have to realize that no appointment or conversation is gonna make me have the warm and fuzzes when it comes to the decision of TTC.
But what makes it 10x worse is when I am on the phone with my husband tonight and explaining this to him and he doesn't get it. He just can't seem to grasp why I am so terrified to make that commitment. He knows "I am scared, he just wished I wasn't", how fucking prophetic !! I was saying how scary it is gonna be for me when we are in the middle of having unprotected sex and knowing the decision is being made. This panics me. which Dr. says is very normal . But, hubby seems to act like I have a bad hangup or something. WELL, NO SHIT. Ya THINK !!!!!He is completely willing and ready to go for it NOW.
Weird thing is...I think I have had to much time to think about TTC. In the beginning, after the loss I was ready to have another baby right then and there. All I could bank my emotions on was having another. Now- not so much. It's the whole standing on the edge and looking to the ground to long when skydiving. Second guessing, "What the hell am I thinking.. jumping out of a perfectly good plane"? I could die..better yet my baby could die.
By the way, I know I maybe should cut some slack to the husband. He is away on a biz trip and been going non stop all day and was falling asleep during the convo, but I tell ya -sometimes men have the stupidest shit come out their mouths.
I would like to hear from those that made the decision to TTC again. What was that initial moment like? When you just or finally jumped. Please..be aware I am not asking for the illicit affairs of having sex, just simply the mind fucking decision. :) If you don't mind.
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3 comments:
Hi Samantha
Oh my heart just aches for you right now because reliving those emotions around TTC again brings back much pain.
My first priority before TTC was to ensure that my body was well healed, emotionally and physically. I know that sounds cliché, but the truth is, a subsequent pregnancy will be hard. At least it was for me. In some ways, the grief came back with more force than I expected, and I don’t know if it’s because I didn’t fully deal with my emotions or it was all just normal stuff, but it was not an easy journey by any stretch of the imagination. I wasn’t prepared for that. I think part of me sort of felt like being pregnant again would help me heal, and of course it did, but the wounds it reopened stung something fierce. I don’t mean to sound harsh, I just want to share with you how I felt because the emotions around being pregnant again and TTC were quite strong and surprising to me. In hindsight, I wish I had been better prepared.
I think your feelings right now are totally valid. TTC in and of itself will also be very emotional. Long gone is the innocence of pregnancy. Of course you will be wondering if it’s possible if the same thing happens again, or if you will miscarry, or if – or if – or if. The worst thing possible happened to you. I think it’s normal to worry and it takes a lot of courage to want to try again. And even before you have to start worrying about being pregnant you have to deal with the stresses of TTC on its own – the timing of sex, the pressure to perform, if you get your period at the end of the month and the letdown that follows. The courage to try again is not something that should be taken lightly.
Your husband is probably just coping in the best way he can and assuming everything will be just fine the next time around, and really, believing in that is ultimately the bottom line and the goal you are both working towards. It just sounds like you have different ways to cope. That being said, it would be helpful for you if your husband acknowledged your fears and concerns. I would really try talking to him and explaining your needs during this time because it is a highly emotional time for the both of you, and keeping the doors of communication open will, I think, help ease the stress.
I hope that was somewhat helpful. I salute your courage for trying again Samantha, and please remember to be gentle with yourself.
Many warm hugs,
Karla
I asked my doctor when we could try again on the same day my son was born. She said wait 4-6 months (I had a vaginal delivery with an episiotomy and a few other stitches). At another appointment I asked her how much of the 4-6 months was for physical healing and how much had she added on for mental healing. She said 4 months for physical healing.
So we started trying after four months, by which time I had also had 4 cycles (I had two close to each other at the beginning).
This is our third month trying and I'm not pg yet. I figured that on the mental healing front, waiting 2 extra months was not going to make a big difference, that the next pg was going to be hard.
Personally, even though the dr doesn't think so, I am feeling the pressure of age too and so I don't feel like I have the luxury of waiting around.
So in short, I waited for her to pronounce me physically healed and then we started.
I'm sorry about the insensitivity of your husband. It's very lonely, grief. Mine started to say the other day, "the positive thing about Moksha dying is...." and I just had to cut him off.
Hi Samantha,
I haven't visited your blog lately, sorry...i need to update my blogroll soon, i think.
Anyway, it really depends on where you are. We had originally decided to wait 18 months before ttc after Nicolas died, (due to career reasons, moving etc) but we took the plunge at 9 months after instead. I can't say i was 'sure' at the time either but it worked out, so....i do use the words 'took the plunge' because that's exactly what it felt like, jumping and not being remotely sure where i would land.
Yeah, men don't really understand this stuff -- at least mine doesn't. Because we already had a living child, in his mind Nicolas' death could just be categorized as an 'accident'. I'm not saying he didn't worry about it happening again, but he doesn't worry like *i* worry when i am pg. Sub pg is no fun, as i am sure you can imagine. But it is definitely worth it, to have a living baby in your arms.
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