Shew, made it through the holiday. It is late...so I will post my thoughts tomorrow. Goodnight.

By the way- any clues on how to link to other blogs within your text?

Funky Towne

Well, I think I am officially in a state of funkiness.

When I decided it was time for dh and I to get serious about ttc last January it was because a good friend of mine had announced her pg in Dec. and we discussed how fun it would be to be pg together. After my pee stick proved positive another friend of mine decided she wanted on board the baby train.

As it turns out we all 3 were carrying girls. What joy. We joked about and constantly imaged the friendships each would bond with Makenzie. Girlfriend 1 had her bundle of cuteness August 1st and my dh and I were there to meet her with bells on. (And a big ol pregnant self) I had sooo many questions about the labor wanting to know every detail -so to know what to expect when it was my turn to have the new best friend.

Girlfriend 2 delivered her little princess yesterday at 5:49pm. We just spoke about 30 minutes ago. I had sooo many questions about the labor wanting to know every detail-just for the hell of it.

Ya'll know how it goes...I am truly excited for my friends and their husbands and can't wait to see the latest arrival (we have to head to Nashville for this one) and have been told the little one has already been told all about her "aunt sam and uncle _"(always a aunt, never a mother? Hope not) But, it hit me how happy I am for them and how sad I am for me and dh.

I have been so grumpy with things and dh lately- which is somewhat usual for me around the holidays- that my sadness tonite was misconstrued by the husband. He headed off to bed with a half hearted attempt at a goodnight kiss and mumbling something about me being in an ill mood.
I just didn't have the strength to convince him otherwise. I just wanted to be left to sulk, to waller in my pity, to question "why me"? I even had the thoughts that " I didn't deserve a baby because I am such a bitch" play thru my mind.

I will try and make it up to dh-maybe tomorrow.

P.S. I absolutely lOVE being around girlfriend 1's little cutie, my husband and I are always gooing over her every chance we get. I actually hold her often and love playing with her. She is a total trip. Kenzie and her would have been so great as friends.

Christmas cheer

I am such a bad blogger. I never seem to have the time to actually sit and put my thoughts into writing. I am currently on a business trip in Philly, alone in a hotel room, making myself write something.

It is a known fact that Christmas season/Dec. have always been extremely hectic for me. As a child of divorce- not only my parents, but grandparents- my brother and I had 5 celebrations to attend throughout the month. Which as a child was AWESOME for gifts, but as an adult somewhat draining. But I am not complaining too much-at least I have the family to still celebrate with. Minus one Makenzie.

I have to say this holiday season has been tough. Seeing Santa with the newborns at the Mall last week struck a nerve. Then there was the company Christmas party where one of the wives-after much to drink-began telling us "you two are gonna have another baby by next Christmas. I just know it!" Oh-If I had a $(or guarantees) for all those that have made similiar statements.
The fact is, since the day after Makenzie's birth/death day, everyone started hinting at dh and I destined to be parents. Are they prophets or just optimist??

We were told by D.Drs' (aka Duke Docs) we only had to wait 3-4 months to begin trying again, as long as the heart doc says "good to go". That would put us ttc starting Feb.-Question being- Am I ready for that anxiety and disappiontment when it doesn't happen in month 1, month 2, month 3 and so on..................

Showbiz

Ok! Could Grey's Anatomy stop already with the deadbaby story lines? I mean ,it has only been 2 months since we lost Makenzie and the show now has approached the issue twice. My poor friends- I believe they are affected by it more than me. "Did you see the show tonight? If you DVRed it you may not want to watch it!" or at commercial break.. ring -" Are you watching? Are you okay?"

The wierd thing is I don't recall seeing ANY babies die on TV in the 1 yr and 9 months I was preparing and carrying Kenzie. Don't get me wrong, I do believe the public needs to be more aware that these things still happen in the 21st century. But geez, just give ME a little more time before my favorite show throws it in my face.

Doctor..Doctor...give me the news

Well..... I just got off the phone with the heart Dr. and we have moved my checkup to January.

What I haven't mentioned is the long pain staking process I have been through after my regular physician/cardiologist (falsely)diagnosed me with Cardiomyopathy of Pregnancy and warned us to never have another child. This of course was 3 days after being released from the hospital with empty arms. Lovely huh? My husband and I immediately wanted a second opinion and thankfully my mother pulled her strings and got me into the Women's heart specialist for Duke the very next day. (Boy-talk about some serious anxiety the night between) Not only did my child not live , now I wasn't sure I would !

Needless to say Dr. K does not see the cardiomyopathy and doesn't feel the diagnosis or the advise to not have a child should have been made from just an echo. It is a very symptomatic disease - which I am showing none.
The only thing alarming about my heart is an occasional bout of tachycardia due to an addition node. Which I have had since childhood and have been assured can not be fatal. By the way-They feel this had nothing to do with Makenzie's death she was completely healthy. They chalk her loss up to a cord accident. They currently have me on a heart monitor for 30 days to see if this is happening enough to perform a minor surgery. I also am having problem with my blood pressure being high since leaving the hospital -which we are monitoring.

We have been told by the perinatologist that if we get the okay from the heart Dr. we can begin trying again in Jan.

Well...time for me to head outdoors and go for a jog. Gotta get that blood pressure back to norm.

#######Please take the time to view Makenzie's memorial video atop the sidebar########
The song playing during it was a song I had chosen for her in @my 3rd month, it was supposed to be he life song. Funny how that work out, huh?

Intro

My name is Samantha and I am a 37 yr old North Carolinian trying to take the advise of many and begin journaling my most recent experiences. The difficulty is I am a much better talker than a writer. So - if it were up to me - I would be on a recorded conference call instead.

So here we are! And this is my story.
On September 28th I was 361/2 weeks pregnant with my husband and I's first -and possibly only-baby girl Makenzie Parker. Things had been progressing smoothly throughout the pregnancy minus the extreme fatigue in the 1st and 3rd trimesters. I also had borderline Gestational Diabetes and ITP(platelet disorder). I had started Predisone for the ITP and was to start a med for the GD that morning. I went to my OB appointment for my standard weekly visit and remember telling my Doc that day that I was so"tired and through" (kinda jokingly). She informed me that the Group B test came back positive and not to worry it was a easy fix. I said "I was needing some good news" she told me they would be inducing on the 39th week-which was fine for me-I was ready to be comfortable again. Typical 36 week er, I was.
When I was done whining she stood up and took my belly measurement "37 weeks"- then the Doppler for the heart beat "hum, where is she?" I told here where they usually found the hb and as she scanned the area - she still had no rate. She calmly suggested we move to the ultrasound room so she could see how baby is laying in order to find the heart easily. As soon as the u/s found the hb I immediately recognized it was slower than usual and commented. She agreed and went at it with the Doppler again. When she couldn't target the heart she made mention of having a battery problem lately (quick thinking , in hind sight)and maybe Dr. C should come in with hers. Dr. C is one of the partners of the practice and HARD to get in with. I had only seen her once before ( the day we had our first u/s) but I knew as soon as she asked me if I had been feeling the baby move and I saw her face- something was wrong. She immediately sent for an ambulance and told me to call my husband to meet me at the Hospital. Makenzie's heart rate had dropped into the 80s. Here is the thing- I had watched enough Baby's Story and High Risk Pregnancy to know that once they got me to the hospital and got her out things were more than likely gonna be fine. (Naivete) I recall being wheeled into the doors of the hospital and seeing Dr. H holding the doors with her scrubs on, already prepared for an emergency C-section. There was no doubt this was gonna be a swift event. I think I was experiencing a kind of numbness to the ordeal because I was - in the words of the Dr's and nurses-amazingly calm , again; (Naivete).
As I began coming too in recovery I started asking about "my baby" . The nurse would just assure me she would have the Dr. come in as soon as she was done in surgery. Off to sleep I would go until I would awake and ask the same question and receive the same answer over again. Finally, I awoke to my husband and my Dr. standing over me. Doc went over the generals about the surgery and how I was doing-I, of course; interrupted and posed the question "how is my baby?" the Dr looked at my husband and let him explain. That is when I first learned that things did not look good. Makenzie's heart had stopped by the time they got her out. They were able to revive her after 11 minutes and she had been taken to another hospital for treatment.

After being wheeled into my private room -where my parents were waiting- we were visited by the Neonatalogist Dr. V. He began going over Makenzie's prognosis and explained that 11 minutes without a hb was a long time. There was a likely chance she had suffered severe brain damage among other things and we may need to think about making a decision.
This was all a blur, but I remember the panic stricken feeling. I did not want my husband and I having to make that kind of decision. Dr. V got a phone call and excused himself for a moment-when he returned he informed us that the decision had been made for us-Makenzie Parker D.'s heart gave at 4:59pm.

The amazing thing is the hospital staff immediately went into action of getting Makenzie back to us so that we could bond with her. A Dr. from the hospital she was transferred too brought her back over to us in his personal car seat and car. When he showed up she was clothed in a little white bonnet and a pink dress. They also had her wrapped in a pink and white knitted blanket from the ladies at "threads of love". She was the most amazingly beautiful and perfect thing I had ever seen.