Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Good News

The results came back on the triple screen and the numbers look good. 1 in 2,800 chance of Downs or Trisomy 18,13. So, one millestone down. On to the next one.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Since I've been gone

Well..... Thought I would actually stop in and give a brief update.

I haven't been blogging for several months. Not sure my thoughts were all that well formed. It has been one heck of a year, for sure. When I last wrote it was to say we lost baby #2, we went to the hospital the following day to have a D and E performed and spent the next 24 hrs. tearfully tucked in each others arms in bed. I gradually worked my way back into reality and found comfort in returning to my job and daily routine. And again, the support of our friends was a huge blessing.

Several weeks later I received a call from Dr. Wonderful to let me know the results were in from the tissue sample they tested and it gave a definite reason for this loss. An extra chromosome #15, basically a fluke happening. He was encouraged that it was this and not something that would likely occur again. We did find out that this pregnancy, indeed , was a little boy. Sigh.....
I have to honestly say - I never felt good about this pregnancy. I'm not sure if it was the bleeding early on or the apprehension I am sure to feel. But, I could never resolve myself to being happy about it.

So here is the kicker...... We are now 11 1/2 weeks pregnant. Yep, I couldn't believe it myself.
Doc had said and I qoute " we usually tell our patients to wait two months before ttc again, but if you guys were to get pregnant before then, we won't be mad at ya." So, I took it to heart and starting calculating right away. Odd thing is, I can't say I even had a period. Just a spot of blood on day. So I went with it as a period in my calculations. I have been told because of the d and c my level of blood was minimal -thus no average period.
So far we have had about 5 u/s and every thing is looking normal. The HR is in the 170s and this little one is a mover. Makenzie NEVER moved around like this. This past Monday we met with the specialist for the NT test and the triple screen. The results will take five days and I am trying to stay positive. But am scared to death there will be bad news. I keep holding on to the fact that the nuchal fold was well within normal range and that it is ultimately in God's hands.

I will try and update soon.

Monday, July 30, 2007

#2 and counting

At 2pm today dh and I went to the Dr.- a day early -after bleeding again over the weekend.

The u/s showed that the baby no longer has a heartbeat. I am scheduled for a D and C tomorrow morning.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Night Life

9 weeks and 1 day today. I have been doing fairly well, usually evening hunger pains (1 hr. after dinner) accompanied by nausea accompanied by sore boobs. I have evening nausea vs. morning sickness, did with Makenzie also. The difference so far is that starting yesterday the nausea and hunger and sore boobs have disappeared. Which didn't happen till 2nd trimester before.

I used the phrase "I don't feel pregnant" when I left a message on the OB nurse line.

Here is the thing, last night I laid in bed worried that there may be something going wrong and I needed to hear the HB. So, when I finally did fall asleep, dreams of dead babies danced through my head all evening. Lovely, A?I talked myself down this morning and just relaxed and rested all day until my hubby and a phone call from a friend encouraged me to "just call the OB and see if you can get some reassurance or possibly have a Doppler monitor performed."
Well, the nurse was helpful and told me it would be too early for the Doppler to detect a hb, but that if I was having great anxiety and losing sleep to call back in and have an u/s performed. She also said that "don't feel pregnant" is a typical concern for many mothers. "Just realize that hormones are constantly changing right now and every pregnancy is different."
So, I have decided to try and hang in there till the 31st for our next visit.

I am definitely gonna be ordering a Doppler. Any advise a selecting one and where to go?

Sunday, July 8, 2007

Pretty in Pink

I have not been able to get online till today.

We have had company all wkend and it has been go, go ,go!

So....
WE HAVE A PEANUT WITH A HEART BEAT OF 132 BPMs.
Dr. W is amazing and was just as thrilled as we were to see the little flicker. He jokingly said, "and if you believe the wives tale, it's a boy" which I quickly replied, "Dr. W we have a hell of a lot a pink he's gonna be wearing"!

Monday, July 2, 2007

Holding our Breath

Well, we did not see a heartbeat, but the Doc says everything looks great. He says, being only 6 wks we were a little early to possibly see a HB, but that the measurements and the yolk sac look very promising. We were able to see the little peanut -well more like a small piece of rice on the u/s, but it was very tiny.

So guess who has to come in for u/s #2 on this Thursday. Doc feels we definitely should see a heartbeat by then. That is, if indeed there is gonna be one. I guess I am still trying to keep myself neutral on the whole situation for now.

It has been getting harder to keep it from friends, they are all getting suspicious as to why I am not hanging out and drinking cocktails on the wkends right now. We have concocted a lie about a kidney infection. Good grief, I hate lying! I just don't want them to have to go through the roller coaster of emotions right now. We will tell most of them if there is a hb Thursday.

I do have to say that Odouls has a pretty tasty amber beer out now. I don't recall that being around last year.

Sorry for the delay in posting the results, I didn't really think anyone was reading.I will try and do better. Have a great 4th. When you watch the fireworks , think of my Makenzie also, she would have loved em from this view.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

UPDATE

I haven't had a chance to update for the last couple days. So I wanted to fill you in.

Had a bit a scare last Friday when I started spotting bright red-that later in the evening turned into something similar to starting my period. For a brief moment only. By Saturday morning, nothing except dried blood when I wiped. Been pretty much clear since Friday.

I did go into the Doc on Monday and get another blood level run. HCG had increased to 3350. Which is good. They are doing an u/s tomorrow and hoping to see a heartbeat. There is some concern about the u/s because of the spotting. The doc is cautious to say we are fine until then. So we are praying.

We were also "busted" while at the OB. A friend, who is 9 mos. prego, ran into my husband in the wait station. I later popped around the corner and made her promise not to say anything to anyone. She told us that she had spotted throughout the entire pregnancy and in the beginning had a spell of bright red.

So maybe things will be fine, for now.
Till tomorrow.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Is anybody out there

RATS.......... My sitemeter has disappeared. What the heck?

I can't tell if anyone is reading any more.

Well, I got my thyroid results back today and it is normal range- 2.9.

It is interesting, I read where in post-prego, sometimes the thyroid can mimic hypothyroidism. So, along with other fluky after prego changes, I guess this one is chaulked up to hormonal changes also. Hell, I'm not complaining, I am just glad I don't have to ingest any other meds for the time being.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Secret Keepers

Okay, got the call today from the nurse.

My progesterone levels "are excellent" at 47 (?)
My HCG level was 129-I am to repeat next Thursday-and they want to see it increase by 66%.

This looks promising.

Still having a little spotting today, but doc says I will for several days.
I have been quite tired all day and my boobs are becoming sore already.

Thanks Kate and Artblog for still being around to share with. I know I have dropped off the radars - with my scarceness of entries-but I am glad I have a place to tell people, given that it is hush hush for now. So shhhh.... ;)

Thursday, June 14, 2007

DOUBLE VISION

You wouldn't believe the events that have transpired this week !!!



It all started Sunday night after I finished up my post. I was feeling all discouraged and extremely frustrated. After signing off I made my way to the aforementioned bathroom and got ready for bed. As I sat down to use the potty, I -for some unknown reason- reached into the trash pail and pulled out the EPT I had discarded early that morning after getting the undesired result. And there it was- A Faint Line, how did I miss this? Was I seeing things? Maybe I should take it into the bedroom and observe under different light, HOLY CRAP !!!! There IS a faint line!

I debated on waking dh for fear it was a false reading. But several minutes later he rolled over , woke slightly and asked for a kiss. At this point, I pounced. Honey, Honey wake up, I NEED to tell you something ! After I showed him the stick and confirmed I wasn't crazy, he got a big smile and said "Oh yeah, we're gonna have a baby." Then sang, My Boys Can Swim, My Boys Can Swim. I gave him that look like- No guarantees. Then he said "make sure you take another test tomorrow morning before we get to excited, right?" Right!

Several test have been taken since. 2 more showed darker lines, but still fainter than the reference line. I even called the manufacture to confirm the results and was told it is a "positive". So I left it at that. I contacted the OB(which- by the way -I have decided to switch to the new one) and spoke with a nurse who set up an appointment on July 9th. She was awesome about understanding my anxiety.

Well, last night I noticed some spotting when I wiped. This scared me initially and I went into the bedroom and told my husband. He kinda got a sad look and said "We get to keep trying!" Men, always thinking with their penis. I think we both automatically thought miscarriage. I laid in bed that night and said "God, it is ultimately your will. If I have learned anything, I have learned things happen whether I want them to or not. But, you know dh and I's desire and what our will would be if we were in control." When I awoke this morning after some strange dreams about trying to get a pregnancy test at my old OB and no one there remembering me, I jumped one the Internet and googled spotting during early pregnancy and read it can be common. I then commenced to the local drug store for test #4. This time a more expensive brand with a BIG + symbol instead. And, sure enough it too was a "POSITIVE".

I called the OB office and spoke with the nurse who immediately got me in for quantitative blood tests and an appointment w/doc. I called dh and he left work and met me there. Can I just tell you how amazing the staff and Dr.s were at this place. The Doc entered the room and stated "spotting's not really want you want to see right now, is it? Let me just say that 1 in 4 pregnancies can have early spotting. Have you been cramping or in any pain?" No, I said. "Great, that is what we like to hear." He asked several more questions and calmed our nerves. He then did a pelvic and in 3 sec. said everything felt great. He explained so many things to us and informed us that the blood work would be back tomorrow and he would give me a call. But, that he was optimistic.

DH and I are so glad we have decided on this new practice. Even if this pregnancy doesn't prove successful, our experience with them so far has been great.

Oh, and I also got glasses this week. Seems as though I have been walking around slightly blind.
Thus, not seeing the faint line.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

5 months and counting

Today was another day of disappointment and sadness.



I eagerly awoke this morning to make my way into the bathroom, open the cabinet, grab the wrapped EPT , tear it open and begin the monthly routine of "saturating the stick tip". I then made sure the cover was replaced properly and the stick was placed directly on a flat surface. Not to be looked at for exactly 3 minutes. At this moment the anxiety erupted from within.



I had been so sure this month we had been successful. We had tried a new approach (advise from a dear friend). This time we staggered ttc on day 12,14,16 of ovulation (oh, and day 15 also, just for the hell of it) but as I waited for the 3 mins. to pass I found myself instinctively knowing that I would not see the double lines I had hoped for. WTF.



I have decided to contact either my OB or an endocrinologist (Dr.referral) this week. I know that my thyroid was a little wacky in April so that could be a potential problem. The main thing is to be proactive and get some testing done, to rule certain things in or out. I am not the youngest chicken in the coop, so time is not on my side. Pray for us.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Rosepetal

Rosepetal, I wanted to check in with you and see you have made your blog private.

I hope you are doing okay and would love to hear from you.

Updated: I just went over to Delphi's and saw her post. I am thinking of you often, and understand the time you are needing. So when the clouds lift and you open up again...I will be here. You were always the first one to post a positive perspective when I was down, hopefully, I will have the chance to reciprocate some day. Just say when.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Don't Worry...Be Happy

"Happy" Mother's day. Yeah, not so much.....What an oxymoron for those of us here in lossville.

I know, I am behind on this subject. But in between work, classes, studying and TTC a women gets no time to reflect.

So my Mother's day was filled tears and memories. My husband and I talked a lot of "she would've beens...."- She would have been 7 1/2 months now, she would have been rolling over, she would have loved her back yard, she would have been trying real foods, she would have been so spoiled, she would have been so wonderful to wake up to this morning.

We are in our 3rd month of TTC and so far no go. Which I know is hardly any time at all , but it has me concerned none the less given that I can pretty much pinpoint my exact time of ovulation with OPK and cervix position. This method proved accurate when trying and getting pregnant the 1st go with Makenzie.
I am contemplating going to get my hormone levels checked by the Doc. Or even going to the Endocrinologist to recheck my thyroid level that was 4.5 in Febuary. That was up a full point from January. Hell, at that rate, there is no telling where it might be today.
Dh, of course, thinks I am being silly and we just need to be having more sex. Always his answer to any lingering health issues. Boys.

At this point, I am not sure to worry or not.

How long have most of you been trying and/or how long did it take to conceive? When should I start questioning something possibly being wrong?

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Our Little Man


Say Hello to our "bu-drow". He is our spoiled perfect "little man". His given name- Oakley. He is our pride and joy. And as you can tell, has to be up on us 24/7. He is part greyhound , part golden which makes him fast and happy. We decided to get Oakley at another dark time in our lives 6 yrs ago. Everyday since has been filled with his affection and good lick-licks.

When I was pregnant with Makenzie I heard numerous stories how couples no longer babied or catered to there pets. I was so worried we would do this to him - it made we cry on several occasions. Call it hormones if you will but this did cause much concern. I guess for now-my fears are unfounded. And he is still our "baby".












Monday, April 23, 2007

Support

Please go over and give some support to a wonderful person Rosepetal .

I will have an update blog later this week. Thanks for checking in.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Lost Milestones

DH and I officially spent our Easter weekend as "shut ins"-

Why does the weather have to turn colder after teasing me with 80 degree springtime Dlite? Just when I was getting used to evenings in the hammock, with a cool drink in hand ,watching my husband slave in the yard.
Seriously, I haven't been that lazy all together, I have been getting on my road bike or taking a jog through the neighborhood as often as I can.

I missed Makenzie dearly over the Easter holidays. I had images conjured up of her in a pastel Easter dress with a barrette in that thick hair, staring bright eyed at the older kids as they scatter and cheer in the park, searching for brightly colored eggs. I always envision the smiles DH and I would have at those moments , watching her expressions as she experienced something new and profound. Lost Milestones

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Rocky Mountain High In Colorado

Holy Cow.....has it really been Feb. since I last posted? Where did March go?

DH and I are doing well. We took a long overdue vacation to the beautiful state of Colorado. Talk about a whirlwind tour. We started out in Frisco Mtn. skiing with our old and new friends from Up With People. The weather was in the high 60's -which made for perfect sightseeing but the skiing was less than desirable. So we drank. We went into Breckenridge and had the most wonderfully romantic dinner, followed by a 2 hr. wait in the crepe line at Crepe a la Cart's. A must try!!! After leaving Frisco we headed into Denver for 4 days and spent some ALONE time. We took a day and headed to Boulder, Estes Park and Rocky Mtn. National Park. Then on to Colorado Springs for some more sites and to hang with an old friend. All-in-all it was a much needed break for the both of us.

Question of the week: Have you two been thinking about trying yet?
Answer: Yes, as of March 1st, DH and I are officially trying again.

It seems to be the question of the week. I must have been asked about 5 times out of the blue. NO PRESSURE , huh?

On a sad note, I received an email while on vacation that our friends had miscarried. I had the chance to speak with her the other night and she is having a hard time dealing. It was early on in the pregnancy but tragic none the less.

Anyways-just wanted to jot some thoughts-promise to not wait so long to post again.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Take my Breath Away

Just a quick "check in"....I made it through the procedure fairly unscathed-if you don't consider the enormous black and blue mark at my groin area.

The Dr. said "everything went better than expected" and they were able to find the origin quickly. I was slightly pissed myself when they woke me from a deep sleep and said "hold your breath", after trying this several times and only able to sustain a breath hold for about 15 sec. (completely discombobulated)I became very frustrated. It did not make for a good mood the rest of my hospital stay. Poor mom and hubby had to bare the brunt.

Being brought to on the table with oxygen mask in place and having the feeling of sufficating myself sucked. Was so hoping for the nice and stoned after experience. Oh well.

I have been so slammed since the surgery that I haven't had the time to write here. Thanks Rosepetal for your concern. I figured I would be a little out of it for a couple days following the procedure, but oddly enough I was bored by 9AM the following morning and started making calls for work and planning lunch with friends.I haven't stopped since.

I will be back possibly Monday to record some recent thoughts. Till then.................

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Happy belated Valentines Day

Good morning,

I finally got my long awaited sushi fix last night. YUMMIE. Dh took me to our favorite place for sushi and I was stuffin it in like Kobayashi. Just could not get enough.

I have been up since 4AM EST getting ready(AKA worrying) for my procedure today. I got about 5 1/2 hrs of sleep, which isn't bad, all things considered. I explained to the Docs yesterday about some triggers I may feel being wheeled into a surgical room again, being sedated, the drape(the last thing I recall will Makenzie was still living)etc. They seem to understand and have informed me they will make sure I am comfortable -ahh the power of drugs.

Well, lord willing, I will be updating here in a couple days. Please keep a prayer for DH and me.
There is a very small percentage of risk..but for some reason I can't help to think the odds are not always for us. Wonder why???

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Sigh.........

Wow, quite crowd, I really hoped to hear more from those ttc. Thanks so much Karla and rosepetal you words ring so true.

Please say a prayer for me...I am a little unnerved. I recently went to a new Physician to check out whyin the heck I am having so much joint pain. He ran some blood test and sent me to another facility to have an u/s of my throat. I just had my thyroid levels checked and everything was norm. But new Doc that my neck was a little "thick" around the thyroids.

Anyways, the results are in but the nurse and I keep missing eachother. Her last message at exactly 5pm stated "I prefer to speak to you vs leaving a message, call me in the morning" Okay- this has terrified the do-do out of me. Does this interpret to "I have bad news and you will need to come back in"? Sigh..I am just overwhelmed.

Thursday I have a heart procedure supposedly a simple procedure but scary none the less. Tomorrow I will spend all day at the hospital for work ups. And to top it off..I went to a chiropractor today for my back,knee,feet,neck etc. pains and found out by x-rays that I have phase 111 degeneration in my neck that is producing bone spurs. LOVELY.

On a good note...DH and I are doing much better on the communication factor.

Tuesday, February 6, 2007

I'm With Stupid

How can someone so close to you...not get it?

Today was my visit with the new ob/gyn and it went fairly well. I am just gonna have to realize that no appointment or conversation is gonna make me have the warm and fuzzes when it comes to the decision of TTC.

But what makes it 10x worse is when I am on the phone with my husband tonight and explaining this to him and he doesn't get it. He just can't seem to grasp why I am so terrified to make that commitment. He knows "I am scared, he just wished I wasn't", how fucking prophetic !! I was saying how scary it is gonna be for me when we are in the middle of having unprotected sex and knowing the decision is being made. This panics me. which Dr. says is very normal . But, hubby seems to act like I have a bad hangup or something. WELL, NO SHIT. Ya THINK !!!!!He is completely willing and ready to go for it NOW.

Weird thing is...I think I have had to much time to think about TTC. In the beginning, after the loss I was ready to have another baby right then and there. All I could bank my emotions on was having another. Now- not so much. It's the whole standing on the edge and looking to the ground to long when skydiving. Second guessing, "What the hell am I thinking.. jumping out of a perfectly good plane"? I could die..better yet my baby could die.

By the way, I know I maybe should cut some slack to the husband. He is away on a biz trip and been going non stop all day and was falling asleep during the convo, but I tell ya -sometimes men have the stupidest shit come out their mouths.

I would like to hear from those that made the decision to TTC again. What was that initial moment like? When you just or finally jumped. Please..be aware I am not asking for the illicit affairs of having sex, just simply the mind fucking decision. :) If you don't mind.

Thursday, February 1, 2007

HELLP..I need somebody

I am going through a whole gammit of emotions lately. Maybe you guys can help.

I think it all really hit me when a friend of mines' sister was rushed to L&D last week when during her OB appointment her BP was extremely elevated. Turns out developed Preeclampsia and they had to deliver 5 wks early. She was unable to see the baby in NICU until her BP dropped to normal and she could move around. Rumor has it she was terrified and has vowed not have any more children. Too risky at her age. Same age as me.

After hearing @ this and her symptoms, I began questioning whether I had developed PE or HELLP syndrome during pregnancy. Here is the thing..I was tested for the week before I lost Makenzie- because of some signs. I was told test came back negative. But then after delivery my BP shot up, somedays 147/116. it is back to norm now I also experienced severe right shoulder pain.

Anyways, this sent me into ANXIETY mode. Did I have it? Would I have it is sub pregnancy? Am I willing to go through a pregnancy again? Am I too old to go through this again?... I think now that we can begin trying again, I am freezing up. Total Panic.
Put this on top of me trying to come off my anti-anxiety meds and I am a real piece of work. I do better during the day hustling with work but when I get in bed the worries start a comin.

I spoke with the D Dr. this morning and he again calmed my fears by letting me know I would be closely monitored. I also made an appointmet w/a new OB/GYN for a consult..just to explore my options. When i went by my current OB Dr. H assistant and some of the staff gathered around me asking how I was doing? They really hope I stay with their practice through a sub pregnancy. They are all rooting for DH and I. But, reluctantly, they understand if I trac out.

I am questioning going back on my medicine but have been fighting it. I was on it during my pregnancy and have been assured it was not the cause of death...but one never fully knows in these situations.

I guess one question is "How do you know if you should try for another"?

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Kiss My Ring

DH and I got away this weekend to Nashville, TN to see our friends who just had their baby last month. My friend is a musician- so we accompanied them to a party where other musicians performed-when it was her turn to sing in the round she ROCKED it with a new one I hadn't heard. It was a good get-away for the hubby and I.

DH and I were so moved when our friends asked us over dinner if we would be
baby bird's
Godparents. What an honor, one we never expected. Makenzie and BB would have been so cute together. I feel like Kenzie had a hand in us being asked. There were many times when BB was asleep and I was holding her that she resembled Makenzie. I think it was her chubby cheeks.((smile))

We are trying to come up with nicknames as godparents...any suggestions?

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Roller Coaster of Love

I am not sure exactly what to think, so I am hoping to get some feedback on this one.

It seems as though my m.cycle is avoiding me this month. Which is kind of puzzling since I have had them the last two months. I am at day 37 and usually am 28-32 days. I know it has only been 3 1/2 months since my C-section but it just odd that I would have 2 and now no sign of one.(minus some minor cramping a wk or so ago.)

I have been REALLY moody, well I'd say, Damn near cranky lately. Which I thought might be monthly related,but maybe not.? Maybe it is stress related. Starting back with work and all. I am enjoying the job force again, but I have to admit there has been some distance and frustrations betwixt the DH and I. Which is never good. I am kinda swirling in my head wondering if all this is aftermath or underlying issues. It is weird-but, I kinda miss the months after losing Makenzie when the world seemed simpler. DH and I were in our little cocoon of sorrow where we had each other for comfort and everything else besides love seemed so futile. Now we are(mostly me) in the real world again "9-5ing it" pursuing the dream. In the rat race going through the motions. I get so caught up in the career and the goals that I develop tunnel vision. Unable to reign myself in at times. Anyways-I am rambling and probably not making much sense- so I will quit for now.

I will call the Doc @ the missed cycle this wk. But was wondering if anyone had some insight. Thanks for sticking through the read.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Crocodile Hunter Meets His Match

Everybody needs a little comic relief.My friends and I find this particularly helpful on those bad days.

Can someone tell me how to insert pics?

Where do I go to find this stuff?HELP. I am usually pretty good at this kind of thing.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Stop...Ur in Violation of my parental rights

Well- today was my 3 month follow-up with the Heart DR. for my final ECO and once over. Everything looks great. So the diagnosis of Peripartum Cardiomyopathy was definitely a missed diagnosis. What a whirlwind. I have, however; opted for a minor procedure that will rid a lifelong heart issue. Nothing major.

I had a weird incident the other day, I will try and make it brief. A girlfriend of mine- who lost a child at 6 1/2 months, yrs ago- stopped by the house to bring us our Christmas gift and to visit. She requested to see Makenzie's room -so after some time we headed upstairs. Now keep in mind I have been in Kenzie's room several times since her passing with my niece, who still hasn't grasped the whole concept of Makenzie's death.

Anyhow-The friend immediately starts going thru the outfits hanging silently in the closet. There is a particular dress hanging that is embroidered with Makenzie's initials. This one is my favorite. I remember when I opened the dress at my shower how it made her coming so definite in my mind. The friend and I shared a moment of sadness at the sight of the dress that will never be worn. The dress was so Makenzie. She then started going thru the items in the Moses basket(most of these items she purchased) and began remarking on each item and how adorable they were. Then it started happening. She started hanging outfits from the basket, placing stuffed animals in the crib, moving her little shoes into the shelves and even unfolded the comforter and swung in over the railing.

Now I know what you are thinking "Why in the Hell didn't we yell stop?" My husband and I just clamored along with her and I believe at one point I made a half ass ed attempt at stopping the commotion, did I mention her 7 yr. old was in the mix man handling the stuffed animals but I'm not sure? it was all going so fast and I truly took the idea that she needed to do this to filter her own emotions about Makenzie and possibly her own loss. She has always been a very sensitive individual who acts impulsively on her emotions. So I let her manipulate the room thinking this was good for her. It didn't truly hit me- the dynamics this would cause with me -until later that night lying in bed in the throws a major anxiety attack.

Now I have spoken to several other friends about this and am aware how crazy it sounds that I let this play out. One friend saying "Makenzie's room is not a shrine where friends can come and mourn their dead babies". "This was way out of line".
And to be honest I wouldn't let it happen again. But, my friends have all been so devastated by losing Makenzie. I had a friend at lunch the other day burst into tears as she told me see dreamed Ed and I had a baby. It is hard for them. I know..I know..not like for Ed and I but some of them, like this friend, are still so sad. So that is why I think I let it go on, I think she was processing it her way. But I do question her judgement.