HELLP..I need somebody

I am going through a whole gammit of emotions lately. Maybe you guys can help.

I think it all really hit me when a friend of mines' sister was rushed to L&D last week when during her OB appointment her BP was extremely elevated. Turns out developed Preeclampsia and they had to deliver 5 wks early. She was unable to see the baby in NICU until her BP dropped to normal and she could move around. Rumor has it she was terrified and has vowed not have any more children. Too risky at her age. Same age as me.

After hearing @ this and her symptoms, I began questioning whether I had developed PE or HELLP syndrome during pregnancy. Here is the thing..I was tested for the week before I lost Makenzie- because of some signs. I was told test came back negative. But then after delivery my BP shot up, somedays 147/116. it is back to norm now I also experienced severe right shoulder pain.

Anyways, this sent me into ANXIETY mode. Did I have it? Would I have it is sub pregnancy? Am I willing to go through a pregnancy again? Am I too old to go through this again?... I think now that we can begin trying again, I am freezing up. Total Panic.
Put this on top of me trying to come off my anti-anxiety meds and I am a real piece of work. I do better during the day hustling with work but when I get in bed the worries start a comin.

I spoke with the D Dr. this morning and he again calmed my fears by letting me know I would be closely monitored. I also made an appointmet w/a new OB/GYN for a consult..just to explore my options. When i went by my current OB Dr. H assistant and some of the staff gathered around me asking how I was doing? They really hope I stay with their practice through a sub pregnancy. They are all rooting for DH and I. But, reluctantly, they understand if I trac out.

I am questioning going back on my medicine but have been fighting it. I was on it during my pregnancy and have been assured it was not the cause of death...but one never fully knows in these situations.

I guess one question is "How do you know if you should try for another"?

Christmas cheer

I am such a bad blogger. I never seem to have the time to actually sit and put my thoughts into writing. I am currently on a business trip in Philly, alone in a hotel room, making myself write something.

It is a known fact that Christmas season/Dec. have always been extremely hectic for me. As a child of divorce- not only my parents, but grandparents- my brother and I had 5 celebrations to attend throughout the month. Which as a child was AWESOME for gifts, but as an adult somewhat draining. But I am not complaining too much-at least I have the family to still celebrate with. Minus one Makenzie.

I have to say this holiday season has been tough. Seeing Santa with the newborns at the Mall last week struck a nerve. Then there was the company Christmas party where one of the wives-after much to drink-began telling us "you two are gonna have another baby by next Christmas. I just know it!" Oh-If I had a $(or guarantees) for all those that have made similiar statements.
The fact is, since the day after Makenzie's birth/death day, everyone started hinting at dh and I destined to be parents. Are they prophets or just optimist??

We were told by D.Drs' (aka Duke Docs) we only had to wait 3-4 months to begin trying again, as long as the heart doc says "good to go". That would put us ttc starting Feb.-Question being- Am I ready for that anxiety and disappiontment when it doesn't happen in month 1, month 2, month 3 and so on..................

Doctor..Doctor...give me the news

Well..... I just got off the phone with the heart Dr. and we have moved my checkup to January.

What I haven't mentioned is the long pain staking process I have been through after my regular physician/cardiologist (falsely)diagnosed me with Cardiomyopathy of Pregnancy and warned us to never have another child. This of course was 3 days after being released from the hospital with empty arms. Lovely huh? My husband and I immediately wanted a second opinion and thankfully my mother pulled her strings and got me into the Women's heart specialist for Duke the very next day. (Boy-talk about some serious anxiety the night between) Not only did my child not live , now I wasn't sure I would !

Needless to say Dr. K does not see the cardiomyopathy and doesn't feel the diagnosis or the advise to not have a child should have been made from just an echo. It is a very symptomatic disease - which I am showing none.
The only thing alarming about my heart is an occasional bout of tachycardia due to an addition node. Which I have had since childhood and have been assured can not be fatal. By the way-They feel this had nothing to do with Makenzie's death she was completely healthy. They chalk her loss up to a cord accident. They currently have me on a heart monitor for 30 days to see if this is happening enough to perform a minor surgery. I also am having problem with my blood pressure being high since leaving the hospital -which we are monitoring.

We have been told by the perinatologist that if we get the okay from the heart Dr. we can begin trying again in Jan.

Well...time for me to head outdoors and go for a jog. Gotta get that blood pressure back to norm.

#######Please take the time to view Makenzie's memorial video atop the sidebar########
The song playing during it was a song I had chosen for her in @my 3rd month, it was supposed to be he life song. Funny how that work out, huh?