Take my Breath Away

Just a quick "check in"....I made it through the procedure fairly unscathed-if you don't consider the enormous black and blue mark at my groin area.

The Dr. said "everything went better than expected" and they were able to find the origin quickly. I was slightly pissed myself when they woke me from a deep sleep and said "hold your breath", after trying this several times and only able to sustain a breath hold for about 15 sec. (completely discombobulated)I became very frustrated. It did not make for a good mood the rest of my hospital stay. Poor mom and hubby had to bare the brunt.

Being brought to on the table with oxygen mask in place and having the feeling of sufficating myself sucked. Was so hoping for the nice and stoned after experience. Oh well.

I have been so slammed since the surgery that I haven't had the time to write here. Thanks Rosepetal for your concern. I figured I would be a little out of it for a couple days following the procedure, but oddly enough I was bored by 9AM the following morning and started making calls for work and planning lunch with friends.I haven't stopped since.

I will be back possibly Monday to record some recent thoughts. Till then.................

Happy belated Valentines Day

Good morning,

I finally got my long awaited sushi fix last night. YUMMIE. Dh took me to our favorite place for sushi and I was stuffin it in like Kobayashi. Just could not get enough.

I have been up since 4AM EST getting ready(AKA worrying) for my procedure today. I got about 5 1/2 hrs of sleep, which isn't bad, all things considered. I explained to the Docs yesterday about some triggers I may feel being wheeled into a surgical room again, being sedated, the drape(the last thing I recall will Makenzie was still living)etc. They seem to understand and have informed me they will make sure I am comfortable -ahh the power of drugs.

Well, lord willing, I will be updating here in a couple days. Please keep a prayer for DH and me.
There is a very small percentage of risk..but for some reason I can't help to think the odds are not always for us. Wonder why???

Sigh.........

Wow, quite crowd, I really hoped to hear more from those ttc. Thanks so much Karla and rosepetal you words ring so true.

Please say a prayer for me...I am a little unnerved. I recently went to a new Physician to check out whyin the heck I am having so much joint pain. He ran some blood test and sent me to another facility to have an u/s of my throat. I just had my thyroid levels checked and everything was norm. But new Doc that my neck was a little "thick" around the thyroids.

Anyways, the results are in but the nurse and I keep missing eachother. Her last message at exactly 5pm stated "I prefer to speak to you vs leaving a message, call me in the morning" Okay- this has terrified the do-do out of me. Does this interpret to "I have bad news and you will need to come back in"? Sigh..I am just overwhelmed.

Thursday I have a heart procedure supposedly a simple procedure but scary none the less. Tomorrow I will spend all day at the hospital for work ups. And to top it off..I went to a chiropractor today for my back,knee,feet,neck etc. pains and found out by x-rays that I have phase 111 degeneration in my neck that is producing bone spurs. LOVELY.

On a good note...DH and I are doing much better on the communication factor.

I'm With Stupid

How can someone so close to you...not get it?

Today was my visit with the new ob/gyn and it went fairly well. I am just gonna have to realize that no appointment or conversation is gonna make me have the warm and fuzzes when it comes to the decision of TTC.

But what makes it 10x worse is when I am on the phone with my husband tonight and explaining this to him and he doesn't get it. He just can't seem to grasp why I am so terrified to make that commitment. He knows "I am scared, he just wished I wasn't", how fucking prophetic !! I was saying how scary it is gonna be for me when we are in the middle of having unprotected sex and knowing the decision is being made. This panics me. which Dr. says is very normal . But, hubby seems to act like I have a bad hangup or something. WELL, NO SHIT. Ya THINK !!!!!He is completely willing and ready to go for it NOW.

Weird thing is...I think I have had to much time to think about TTC. In the beginning, after the loss I was ready to have another baby right then and there. All I could bank my emotions on was having another. Now- not so much. It's the whole standing on the edge and looking to the ground to long when skydiving. Second guessing, "What the hell am I thinking.. jumping out of a perfectly good plane"? I could die..better yet my baby could die.

By the way, I know I maybe should cut some slack to the husband. He is away on a biz trip and been going non stop all day and was falling asleep during the convo, but I tell ya -sometimes men have the stupidest shit come out their mouths.

I would like to hear from those that made the decision to TTC again. What was that initial moment like? When you just or finally jumped. Please..be aware I am not asking for the illicit affairs of having sex, just simply the mind fucking decision. :) If you don't mind.

HELLP..I need somebody

I am going through a whole gammit of emotions lately. Maybe you guys can help.

I think it all really hit me when a friend of mines' sister was rushed to L&D last week when during her OB appointment her BP was extremely elevated. Turns out developed Preeclampsia and they had to deliver 5 wks early. She was unable to see the baby in NICU until her BP dropped to normal and she could move around. Rumor has it she was terrified and has vowed not have any more children. Too risky at her age. Same age as me.

After hearing @ this and her symptoms, I began questioning whether I had developed PE or HELLP syndrome during pregnancy. Here is the thing..I was tested for the week before I lost Makenzie- because of some signs. I was told test came back negative. But then after delivery my BP shot up, somedays 147/116. it is back to norm now I also experienced severe right shoulder pain.

Anyways, this sent me into ANXIETY mode. Did I have it? Would I have it is sub pregnancy? Am I willing to go through a pregnancy again? Am I too old to go through this again?... I think now that we can begin trying again, I am freezing up. Total Panic.
Put this on top of me trying to come off my anti-anxiety meds and I am a real piece of work. I do better during the day hustling with work but when I get in bed the worries start a comin.

I spoke with the D Dr. this morning and he again calmed my fears by letting me know I would be closely monitored. I also made an appointmet w/a new OB/GYN for a consult..just to explore my options. When i went by my current OB Dr. H assistant and some of the staff gathered around me asking how I was doing? They really hope I stay with their practice through a sub pregnancy. They are all rooting for DH and I. But, reluctantly, they understand if I trac out.

I am questioning going back on my medicine but have been fighting it. I was on it during my pregnancy and have been assured it was not the cause of death...but one never fully knows in these situations.

I guess one question is "How do you know if you should try for another"?

Kiss My Ring

DH and I got away this weekend to Nashville, TN to see our friends who just had their baby last month. My friend is a musician- so we accompanied them to a party where other musicians performed-when it was her turn to sing in the round she ROCKED it with a new one I hadn't heard. It was a good get-away for the hubby and I.

DH and I were so moved when our friends asked us over dinner if we would be

baby bird's

Godparents. What an honor, one we never expected. Makenzie and BB would have been so cute together. I feel like Kenzie had a hand in us being asked. There were many times when BB was asleep and I was holding her that she resembled Makenzie. I think it was her chubby cheeks.((smile))

We are trying to come up with nicknames as godparents...any suggestions?

Roller Coaster of Love

I am not sure exactly what to think, so I am hoping to get some feedback on this one.

It seems as though my m.cycle is avoiding me this month. Which is kind of puzzling since I have had them the last two months. I am at day 37 and usually am 28-32 days. I know it has only been 3 1/2 months since my C-section but it just odd that I would have 2 and now no sign of one.(minus some minor cramping a wk or so ago.)

I have been REALLY moody, well I'd say, Damn near cranky lately. Which I thought might be monthly related,but maybe not.? Maybe it is stress related. Starting back with work and all. I am enjoying the job force again, but I have to admit there has been some distance and frustrations betwixt the DH and I. Which is never good. I am kinda swirling in my head wondering if all this is aftermath or underlying issues. It is weird-but, I kinda miss the months after losing Makenzie when the world seemed simpler. DH and I were in our little cocoon of sorrow where we had each other for comfort and everything else besides love seemed so futile. Now we are(mostly me) in the real world again "9-5ing it" pursuing the dream. In the rat race going through the motions. I get so caught up in the career and the goals that I develop tunnel vision. Unable to reign myself in at times. Anyways-I am rambling and probably not making much sense- so I will quit for now.

I will call the Doc @ the missed cycle this wk. But was wondering if anyone had some insight. Thanks for sticking through the read.